


That You Should Care For Me

by broc_oli



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Honesty, Love, M/M, Self Harm, and I'm sorry, it's short and it's sappy and it's satisfying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-06
Updated: 2016-10-06
Packaged: 2018-08-19 20:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8223293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broc_oli/pseuds/broc_oli
Summary: It’s difficult to be here. But, for Levi’s sake, he’s trying.





	

**Author's Note:**

> tw: self-harm

“Shame”

“What?”

“It lets me feel shame.”

Eren stops to let this idea slink into his brain. He tries to flood himself with this feeling, tries to let his mind go to a place where he feels so guilty for existing that the only way to make it feel better is to hurt himself. But it’s too foreign a concept, and soon he feels his focus shifting back to his boyfriend -- so open in this moment, trying to honestly express why this horrible thing he does feels so right. It’s difficult to be here. But, for Levi’s sake, he’s trying. 

“Why do you think you need to feel shame?”

Levi doesn’t answer, just sort of lets his gaze glaze over. He lowers his head back down to his arm, now uncovered, with his sweater sleeve pulled up past the elbow. Man, his arm looks thin. When did that happen? He thought he had been doing well, thought he had been keeping up with meals, he hadn’t been over-working himself too much right? Yet obviously not, since the skin of his arm wasn't supposed to cling that much to his bones-- his pondering is cut off when a hand touches his knee. He looks up and refocuses his eyes on Eren’s face. He’s earnest, searching, and he shifts a little closer, obviously eager to comfort. 

“Levi, come back. I need to understand this if I can.”

“I don’t know how to make you understand, though. That’s the thing.”

Levi could see the frustration in his boyfriend’s eyes. He wants to give him easy answers, but also feels a little indignant that he has to work so hard to make himself clear, that he has to break himself down to be understood. 

“But, I want to get it, I want to help-” Eren starts, before Levi cuts him off. 

“I’m telling you because I don't want to do it anymore. Isn’t that enough”

Eren stops, a clear argument in his eyes. He closes his lips tight. Levi can see his mind turning over, trying to come up with the right thing to say, the right thing for Levi’s sake, the Sentence that will just Fix It All. And suddenly, Levi feels gratefulness fill his chest. They’ve only been together a few months, and this person here in front of him is so desperate to help him it’s making him look constipated. 

Levi smiles warmly, sadly, and reaches his hand to grasp Eren’s. Lets himself stare at their intertwined fingers, moves his thumb to stroke the back of Eren's hand slowly. 

Eren sighs, the fight gone, and tilts his head to catch Levi’s lowered eyes. He smiles.“Yeah. for now that’s more than enough.” Eren lifts his head and the fight returns. He decides to be bolder, thinks he’s gotta recognize the severity of this thing happening here. 

“Thank you, Levi.”

Levi glances up at him. 

“Thank you?” he asks, roughly, accusing. 

“Yeah. Thank you. I don’t know how easy this’d be for me to do. But now I get the chance to help you.” He smirks, smug and determined, seemingly unafraid. 

Levi squeezes his hand in response, nodding solemnly. This fuckin’ kid. 

“You better not be thinking you can save me or whatever.” He says, rolling his eyes.

“Nah, of course not,” Eren says, tilting his chin back, “that’s all you. I’m just the cavalry, charging in behind ya.”

Levi likes that, he thinks. Likes that his small stupid life gets war metaphors applied to it. Laughs a little. Stops laughing when a hand enters his peripherals, reaching for his exposed arm. He looks up. Eren is waiting for a signal, an OK to continue. He gives it in a shaky nod and heavy eyes and all lightness is gone again. Suddenly, rough fingers are on him, so soft as they brush his scars. They stroke the long lines and rub the rough circles. A wish flows through their touch that, like a mother caring for her child, they could just wipe this hurt away. That by Eren acknowledging it, and saying he was sorry for it, it could make it so it never had to have happened. 

And Levi ignores these touches, these silent pleas. Thinks darkly of the inflated importance building in the tension of the air. Almost rolls his eyes again and starts to pull away slightly when suddenly his arm is wet. 

Suddenly the building tension is broken. 

And suddenly, this small, earnest boy before him is crying. 

Crying because of him? Crying... over him? Crying at the thought of him feeling the need to do this? Crying because finally he can imagine Levi in these moments, knows his thoughts as he brings that cigarette closer and closer to his skin. Feels the relief with him, and knows how correct that pain feels.

Is he watching Levi from above, huddled against the door of his tiny bathroom, feeling small and worthless, setting up his station so structured, so organized, so that the clean-up is as easy as possible? Is he seeing him from the outside, standing over him, watching these thoughts as they flit across his face, watches that face as he completes the action, not a tear in sight?

Or could this boy really be there with him, next to him, really feeling how much it hurts. And how much more it hurts that, to him, that pain doesn’t really seem to matter. And more than that, how good it feels. Does he cry for that need?

Levi can’t be sure as he looks at Eren, still staring at his arm. And then, Levi is crying too. He cries because he is so thankful that someone is here, in his arms, crying for his sake. He curses himself for being so twisted, so selfish, and then he lets it wash over him. And he hugs Eren to him. And he lets himself cry tears of happiness. And he whispers.

“Never again. I’m not going to do it again.”

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little ditty, gettin' some thoughts out, givin' those thoughts to fictional characters. Typical. 
> 
> I might do more short pieces with this scenario. Let me know if you'd be into that idea!


End file.
